Archive | February, 2012

Where are you?

16 Feb

I’d love to hear your opinions, and especially if someone would be lovely enough to help me out with redrafting, I will pay you in coffee and chocolates. Or alcohol, whichever you’d prefer. 🙂

Where are you?

I wonder where you are, for you cannot be here. My most merciful, loving God, you cannot be here for you would never allow such pain. Where are you? You cannot be here in the eyes of my child, in the cold blood running through his weakening body, in the beat of his dying heart, in the cancer that once was his mind.

No, God, you cannot be here for you are good and no good being could ever witness such heartache as lingers in every tear that Christens him once again, in your name, and allow it to happen if they were capable of stopping it. The doctors and nurses, so good, are doing what they can and yet you, the epitome of good, do nothing when you alone can stop this now. You are good and you are capable so I can only understand that you are not here.

Where are you? You cannot be here in the drip of the tubes, in the whir of the machines, his only hold on Earth, in the ticking of the clocks that heralds in yet more pain for you would not permit his suffering. He is your child as much as he is mine, more so it is said, and a parent’s love could never allow such suffering, any suffering, to ruin their child thus.

And you would not permit my suffering for I too am your child and to witness my son in such pain causes me more anguish than Christ himself, nailed to the cross, could ever have contemplated.

My God, where are you? In the slums of Africa? At the heart of Chernobyl? In the midst of a battlefield? In the ruins of the trade centre? In Normandy, Dunkirk, Flander’s Field? Where are you? And why are you not here?

Why are you, my own God not here in my moment of need? In my child’s moment of need? He is an innocent babe, and yet you would let him suffer so?


I have asked so often now and still have not had a reply. Your ministers, your priests, your clergy, they tell me you work in mysterious ways. They tell me you punish transgressors, that the fall is the reason for this suffering, but that is wrong. No kind, caring God would force onto a child the punishment of it’s elders, and no reasonable God would punish a child at all. They are children for a reason, if they have done wrong then the blame should rest on their parents’ shoulders, on the shoulders of those who are meant to look after them, for children are innocent of wrongs, they do not know better.

You created them to not know any better, you gave them the ability to learn, to be taught, so punish the teacher if the child does not learn.

But this does not matter to me, for my boy has done nothing wrong. Nothing.

And then they tell me you are trying to teach the world a lesson. A lesson in what? Cruelty? Pain? Anger? That is all I see here. I do not feel remorse for the actions of those in your paradise. I do not feel an overwhelming urge to help others, to give love to the world, to live in peace. All I have learned from this is how much I have it in me to hate, to despise someone who once I had looked upon with devotion. There is no good lesson here. It does not teach me to worship you even through pain, to find comfort in your presence, to find safety in your church. It teaches me to doubt, to hate, and yes, to fear. Is that what you want? Do you want fear? That is not devotion, that is not worship, that is not love, that is not respect, that is not honour, that is not good. That is not God.

But then, why else would you allow this? For my son to ‘die a martyr for the cause of furthering God’s work’? To ‘follow in Christ’s footsteps’, a ‘sacrifice to humanity’? To ‘suffer, directly or indirectly, for the sins that humanity have committed’? Is he being punished for other’s actions? Their hidden sins; lust, greed envy? Or the sins they flaunt brazenly; nuclear war, genetic engineering?

No, I do not accept this excuse. I do not believe my loving God would sanction such a cruel act merely for his own good, to further his own mission. Nor would he repeat his actions and allow his child to suffer for the sins of others. No, he is too good for such an act. Only an impious hand would place upon the head of a child a crown of thorns reserved for ‘greater’ men. And God’s hand is most pious. God is most pious.

But where are you? And why have you chosen to be elsewhere when you’re needed here? I do not understand how you could chose so. Does my child, whose eyes can no longer stay open, whose heart weakens further every second, whose cold hand, once grasped tight around my fingers, is slackening, does he not merit your attention, your sympathy, your help?

As my child’s weakening body prepares to give up his soul to your care, where are you? Where are you? Will you be there to take care of him in death, when you could not do so in life? Will you love him when he is with you, as you did not when he lived? My God, where are you?

Every step closer he gets to you, you are a step further away from me. Where are you? I can no longer find you in his smile, his eyes, his life. My God, where are you?


In the guise of you

8 Feb

In the guise of you  


I’m scared of what I can do

When, in the guise of you,

I speak your words, drag them through

My soul, a mirror image

Of you, of your cold hard rage

That never existed save

In my own fearful, bitter

Imagination, which stirs

Like the near dying embers

Of burning branches cut from

The tree of life, of love, some

Hateful thoughts of you, of your

Smile – a grimace, a sour

Dead, empty glance. Please, no more.




*normally I wouldn’t post this, I’m not happy with it (am I ever happy with my poems? /sigh/) but I’m just so happy to have something down on paper!!!!!! 😀


I Am Invincible.

2 Feb

Quite a lot has happened since I last posted on here and yet as I’m now sitting writing, cheese toasty and lemsip in hand, everything has once again slipped my mind.

Well, I guess I should start with the best news I’ve had since then and that is I’ve passed my exams!!! Yippee!! Managing to get a C in theology was a bit of a shock, I was genuinely worrying I’d have to resit it. It’s not a great grade, but I’m just glad I’ve passed, my exam went so horribly. More surprisingly was getting an A in English! God only knows how I managed it, considering how weird my essays were. But I think that the biggest surprise all round was my Philosophy mark.

Now, it will come as no surprise to you, dear reader, that Philosophy is not my favourite subject. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been more frustrated by a class in my life. That includes Higher Physics *shivers at the memories*. So when I found out I’d somehow managed to not only pass, but get an A, I did nearly die of shock. Considering the Essay and a portion of the exam was based on Descartes book, which I still haven’t read a single page of, I’m mightily impressed with my ability to wing it. Actually, my English essay got an A as well, and I didn’t read one of the books I wrote on in that either. Hmm, have I just come to a startling realisation? The one subject I’ve done all the reading and put most effort into I got a much lower grade than the others. Perhaps not doing the work and just guessing on the day is the way to success… Watch this space.

Anyway, what else has happened? Oh, I’ve had a Eureka moment and discovered vegetables are actually good for you. Yes, despite being 18 and having lived by myself for about 6 months, I’ve only just realised that those once horrible, smelly, wrinkly green and white things are actually quite tasty when they’re put into pastas (or super noodles with sweet chilli sauce…). And they’re pretty cheap and filling too, a great idea all round. Wish I’d thought of it before hand.

Another amazing thing happened to me yesterday as well! I was sitting drinking a cuppa soup and dipping bread into it when I sneezed and spilled the whole cup on my laptop. AND IT DIDN’T BREAK!! I Am Invincible!!!!!! AND to top it all off, my bread landed butter side up. I feel bullet proof.

What other good things have happened? Well, for the last three days my room has been clean, organised and smelling fresh as a daisy, so I think celebrations are in order. The showers haven’t broken all week. My radiator’s been fixed, finally. Fire alarms have been at an all time low this week. I’ve so far managed to avoid the snow. I handed my seminar essay in on time and wasn’t up until five in the morning either. I’ve been out ‘socialising’ (a word which has now come to stand for ‘getting drunk’) a lot. I’ve been able to meet up with a couple of friends I’ve not seen in ages.

Oh, I went to the cinema yesterday with my friend Colvin. We went to see Coriolanus in the GFT. It was absolutely brilliant! I always enjoy Shakespeare adaptations anyway, I find it much easier to understand the text if someone else is reading it. Even the worst adaptations I’ve enjoyed purely because of the thrill of actually knowing what they are talking about. And I’ve watched Mel Gibson’s Hamlet so I know all about bad Shakespeare adaptations. But this adaptation was absolutely brilliant! It’s set in modern day Rome but keeps the Shakespearean language. And it’s directed by Ralph Fiennes who also plays Coriolanus It was so moving and there are a couple of scenes which are incredibly powerful. When the Roman’s are rioting and Coriolanus is shouting back at them I was nearly in tears, even though it’s not a sad scene as such, just incredibly powerful. Then again, I may be biased, it is Ralph Fiennes after all. I’m a bit annoyed that I spent at least half the film wondering if it was morally acceptable to fancy the man who played Voldemort. But then he took his top off and was covered in tattoos, which pretty much made the question void. Oh, did I say it has Gerard Butler in it too? Yup, good film.

I don’t really have too much to say now. I’m probably not going to be updating too much, writers’ block is plaguing me again. I haven’t written anything for ages. And I have essays coming up soon, so I’m soon going to disappear into the world of sleepless nights and terrifying dreams of Hamlet again. Anyway, I might post again before it all starts, if not, I’ll at least try to upload a poem. I’m determined to get the ‘for soon to be students’ finished and edited, but I’m running out of steam. Has anyone got any ideas as to what I should write about for Freshers’ week? Or for the first set of essays/exams? Or even if you have some thoughts on preparing for uni and anything I’ve missed, it would be good to hear them. I’m seriously struggling with Freshers’ week stuff at the moment though, so any advice would be great!


Sorry this isn’t very long, exciting or even slightly interesting but I’ve hit a wall with all writing it seems. Just when essays are coming up too, oh joy.