14 Mar

 I’m finding it very difficult lately to get things written down on paper. I don’t know why that is. I have the motivation to do it. I want to do it. I finally have the time to do it. And yet the minute I take the pen into my hand everything just goes blank. It’s not even that I’m lacking in ideas. My heads full of them! Lots of little seeds floating through my mind; a character, an opening line, a plot line for a simple poem to thousand page novel. But every time O try to put them into words my mind goes blank.

I think this is the reason for the nightmares. I’ve never had nightmares before, not like this. Sure, occasionally I’ve battled the odd three headed monster or fought in the zombie apocalypse, but I’ve never been so lost within a dream that I can’t tell it’s not reality. I’ve never woken up and been terrified of even the sound of my own breathing. I’ve never questioned myself as to whether the here and now, me writing this post, is really reality and not just a happy fantasy. A dream my subconscious has came up with as an escape from my nightmare reality. I’ve never had a dream feel so real.

And I really feel this inability to express all these pent up, and thoroughly rubbish, ideas in my head is causing this. In my nightmares I’m trapped in this mist. It’s so thick I can’t even see my own hands in front of me. I’m running as far and as fast as I can to get to the edge of this mist but each step closer I get to the edge brings something closer to me. I don’t know what, or who, it is. I can’t see or hear it. But I know that in my dream it makes my heart race, my hands tremble. It makes every hair on my body stand on end. It brings me to tears. As it gets closer I feel the mist getting heavier and thicker. I keep running against it but each step I take brings it down on me. When I’m so close to the edge of the mist that my entire body is braced in anticipation for the freedom, the release from the weight, the pressure, I realise I cannot move. The mist is so thick around me, it’s like I’m being smothered in foam and just as I’m about to reach the edge it hardens around my ankles. I keep screaming but it just makes it travel harder and faster, past my knees, my hips my chest. I can’t breathe. It’s on my neck, I feel pain in my face from the lack of blood and oxygen. I try again to scream but it’s in my mouth, my throat. I can’t see anything hear anything. I can’t make a sound but I can feel that thing standing right behind me.

And then I wake up. I’m drenched in cold sweat, shaking in fear, clawing at my throat and sobbing hard. I never react like that to dreams. I never scream. I think I might be going mad sometimes. Those moments when I first wake up, I’m not me. I’m not my self, my rational self.

I hope I can figure out how to get all these thoughts out before I drive myself insane. 


5 Responses to “Nightmares”

  1. Paul March 15, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

    Hi Jen, I read your blog. and i would kindly like to help. first by suggesting, if I may two things. You need to do two things, two things you will at first resist, one get alone and pray to Jesus, ask him to be real with you, pray alone until something breaks in you. the Take the bible and read from the book of John read it thoughtfully, again asking Jesus to be real. He’s light and whenever theres darkness theres struggle. Light alone can do away with darkness and kill the fear. when you say that name “Jesus” change will come to you. If you call on his name you shall be saved.

    Keep in touch


  2. Diane Dickson March 15, 2012 at 7:51 pm #

    Whadya mean you can’t write you just wrote, fluently and descriptively and believably, well done. As for the dream – embrace it – I always like to think of dreams as free nighttime trips to the cinema, they can’t hurt you – they really can’t hurt you but heigh they can sure make you write

  3. sfbell09 March 16, 2012 at 5:46 pm #

    I often find myself unable to just sit and bang out page after page of a story. It takes me time, lots of notes jotted down here, there and everywhere. Try not to stress about hitting a target. Relax, set realistic goals and work toward them. If you miss them consider the outcome. Did anything bad really happen? Time and patience should help set you right. Maybe even do something fun that isn’t writing related. I hope these suggestions help, but feel free to disregard any or all of them. 🙂

  4. granbee March 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    Jenchay, that choking mist of your nightmares is driving you write back to getting words down on paper! Keep writing it out and riding it out! We are here for you. We support you. We WANT to ready whatever you get written down, okay?


  1. Hands dreams | Eyesoftheeast - March 14, 2012

    […] Nightmares « Jenchay March 14th, 2012 | […]

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