Poems – First Year

Well, these are the majority of my uneditted and completely crap poems from first year at uni. They’re angst filled and pretty ridiculous, but they do show me that I’ve matured in my writing style, which I’m both surprised and happy about. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying my later poems are good, they’re just a little bit less soul destroyingly horrible than the earlier ones. They’re in no particular order, in fact the first one here is the last one I wrote, but I think it’s kind of obvious which ones were written with absolutely no knowledge of poetry and which were written with almost absolutely no knowledge of poetry. Anyway, yeah, they’re not great and have little to no importance save to let me work on technique, or really just find a technique…

Why can’t we hold hands?

Why can’t we hold hands

As we walk down the street?

Because I’m not you

And she’s not him?

Who gets to say ‘we’re right

And you’re wrong.’?

Who gets to judge?

And why?

Do you?

Do I?

How can right feel so wrong?

How can normal be so strange?

Who are you to judge?

To preach?

Who are you to know?

Why can’t we hold hands

As we walk down the street?

Because I’m not you

And she’s not him?

———————————————————

As you pass by.

I used to sit and wait for you

To pass before the glass doors and

Turn your head slightly, glancing in

Noticing at the last second.

A small smile would adorn your face

Your eyes would catch mine and hold them

Captivated. You’d turn and take

A step forward, leaving, but then

You seemed to think again and once

More, you caught my eyes. You raised your

Hand and gave a small wave, waiting

For me to return it. Of course

I’d quickly copy your action,

Raise my hand, and wave, wishing for

You to decide not to leave and

Come in here, to open the door,

Walk across to my table, sit,

Smile and chatter away, as you

Are so often wont to do. And

I knew you wouldn’t. I knew

You would turn your head away with

A small frown as you hurried off

To your room, forgetting me. Not

Sparing me a second thought.

Would it be different, if you knew,

That I had sat there for hours,

Patiently waiting for you to

Pass me by? That moment, our

fleeting glance, your smile, bringing me

More joy than anything else could.

Would it make you give me one more

Second? I like to think it would.

____________________________________________________

I’m hiding this poem in here, not posting it, because I don’t particularly like it, but don’t want to just leave it all alone on my harddrive. Is it odd that I’m concerned with my poem’s feelings? I just want it to be happy, and play with all the other poems. Stop judging me…

I wonder

I wonder if we’ll ever have the chance

To ride a rainbow, as we used to say

We’d do. I wonder if we’ll ever climb,

To the top of the world in just a day,

Or build a rocket ship and sail off to

The moon. I wonder, will we ever see

a Leprechaun, a fairy or an imp?

Or will we ever get the chance to be

A ballerina and an astronaut?

A Princess and a prince? Will we ever

get to swing higher than the sky? Will we

ever make a song and dance together?

Will we ever get to hold each

Others hands? To tell each other that

No matter what, we’d always be best friends?

Or maybe, we will grow up knowing that,

No matter our wishes, and our dreams,

No matter what fancies and wonders we’ve

Shared, one day you will go your way, and I will

Go my way. Will we learn not to believe

In fairy tales? Will we learn that life is not so sweet?

Will we stop holding hands as we walk along the street?

______________________________________________

I miss you.

I miss you. Three simple words I use,

Meant to capture what is in my heart.

How inadequate they seem to me,

In the face of this misery tearing me apart.

Yet, how else can I describe to you

This gaping hole pulsing in my chest,

Crushing my lungs, suffocating me,

Every time I think of you? A smothering weight pressed

On my heart from inside out. Empty,

Growing, strong enough to paralyse

The beat in my chest. How can I tell

You of the catch in my breath, each time I glimpse your eyes

In the face of a stranger? How can

I explain the quiver of my lip

As I steal traces of your smell in

Anonymous crowds? Or the painful hopes that grip

Me when I see your smile shine out from

A sea of cold faces? When I hear

Your laugh ring through the empty silence

Of my room, or the roaring noise, abusing my ears

Of faceless nobodies? How do I,

With these useless, empty words, describe

The longing, the disappointment and

Pain that I can’t even begin to contemplate, let alone scribe

In my simple pen? How do I tell

How my own imagination has

Turned against me, feeding the black hole

Crushing my heart with thoughts of you, of your face,

Your eyes, your lips, your smile, everything?

How even my own subconscious mind

Is torturing me with images

Like my deepest desires are on a loop behind

My eyes, a constant motion each time

I lay my head upon my pillow,

An assault on my senses, and as

I awake and reach for you, my hand closing through

Nothing, I feel the pressure in my

Chest get stronger, as the thought of you

Builds with no release, save desperate tears

And a lonely whisper in the darkness. I miss you.

______________________________________________

To cut out my heart

I had this odd desire

To cut out my heart

Grind it to a powder

And sprinkle it in your tea.

I wanted you to taste

This wealth of love

I’ve got growing in me

Like a butterfly in a caccoon

Or a cancer in a festering sore.

This desire grew more

And more until I

Just couldn’t stop it. I

Had to do it, make you see.

I grabbed the sharpest knife

That was to hand,

And carved, Deeper and Deeper.

At first a shallow hole, but soon

It grew. More and More and More.

I wanted to take it

Out and crush it, then

Sprinkle each little drop,

Dissolve it, you wouldn’t see.

But you would taste it,

On your tongue as

You sipped it into you,

All my love, devotion, worship.

And so I pulled, I ripped and I tore

And I dug in my fingers

Racked my nails through skin

And muscles, and as I felt

That first beating rhythm in me

I clenched hard and pulled

And in my hand

I held my heart and wondered

At its weight, its size, its nothingness.

My heart, a blood filled muscle, nothing more

Than an empty sack. How

Could this hold such depth

Of feelings, captured so?

One cut, I set them free.

—————————————————————–

I should never have told.

I told you. I shared my secret.

Every sordid little word came

Pouring from my lips, from the depth

Of my ruined soul. It won’t be the same.

I ruined it. I broke it.

I’m sorry.

Our friendship, if you could call it that-

Infatuation, perhaps,

Or obsession may sit better.

I should never have told.

I’m sorry. Please, let me take it back.

Forget every word, every tear.

I’d take on the loathing,

The worry, the fear

I’d take it all back

If it would make us better.

I’m sorry.

I should never have told.

———————————————————————

Never Again

I’ve hidden you behind clouded glass,

Almost invisible, not quite.

You’re still there, lingering, desperate

To escape. Please, not now, Not tonight.

Just give me tonight, let me sleep.

Please, I just need a respite from you,

Your smile assaulting my mind again

And again. Please. Just let me sleep too.

But no, you don’t tonight, not ever.

There you are, your face clouded, fading

With age, blurring at the edges,

Not as sharp as you once were, hiding

At the edge of my mind, you wait

To pounce, to catch me in your grip,

To torment me with those eyes, stunning

Me, once more, with their beauty, those lips

Breaking something inside me, that knows

I will never touch them again,

Never hold you in my arms, and tell

You how I love you. Never again.

————————————————————–

I wonder

I wonder if we’ll ever have the chance

To ride a rainbow, as we used to say

We’d do. I wonder if we’ll ever climb,

To the top of the world in just a day,

Or build a rocket ship and sail off to

The moon. I wonder, will we ever see

a unicorn, a fairy or an imp?

Or will we ever get the chance to be

A ballerina and an astronaut?

A Princess and a prince? Will we ever

get to swing higher than the sky? Will we

ever make a song and dance together,

And prance through a garden of leprechauns?

Skip through a shimmering ring of fairies?

Play in a pot of Gold, clasping tightly

Each other’s hands? Climb up the trees,

Fly through the air, be monkeys for a while?

Whisper our secrets of such importance?

I wonder, will we ever finish our

Dig to china through the sand? Or balance

All our hopes on a tower of cards and

Watch with delight as it all tumbles down?

I wonder, will we ever read stories

About magic frogs and forgetful clowns?

Will we ever catch ourselves a pocket

Full of posies, a tiger by the toe?

Or will we one day find ourselves sitting

Alone, wondering ‘where did it all go?’

—————————————————————————-

I wonder (take two)

I wonder if we’ll ever have the chance

To ride a rainbow, as we used to say

We’d do. I wonder if we’ll ever climb,

To the top of the world in just a day,

Or build a rocket ship and sail off to

The moon. I wonder, will we ever see

a Leprechaun, a fairy or an imp?

Or will we ever get the chance to be

A ballerina and an astronaut?

A Princess and a prince? Will we ever

get to swing higher than the sky? Will we

ever make a song and dance together?

Will we ever get to hold each

Others hands? To tell each other that

No matter what, we’d always be best friends?

Or maybe, we will grow up knowing that,

No matter our wishes, and our dreams,

No matter what fancies and wonders we’ve

Shared, one day you will go your way, and I will

Go my way. Will we learn not to believe

In fairy tales? Will we learn that life is not so sweet?

Will we stop holding hands as we walk along the street?

___________________________________________________

If you could see me now.

I wonder what you would say if you knew,

Each night before I sleep, I close my eyes

And imagine you were here beside me.

How would you react to the broken cries

I just can’t stop, and the sorrowed whimpers

That escape my lips as I think of you

And know that no matter how hard I might

Wish, and pray, you will never be there to

Stop them, to comfort me as you once did?

To hold me back and tell me that it would

all be fine. That you’d not let anything

Hurt me. Or anyone. That you’d take care

of me, and look after me, let me cling

to you and sob my heart out, knowing that

No matter what I told you, you’d never

Turn your back on me. How would you feel if

You could see how I miss you whenever

My head hits the pillow and I have time

To think, to remember, to let your face

fill my mind, your smile, your eyes, everything?

When I at last let you out of the place

That I’ve hidden you every day, to keep

You from invading every moment so that

I cannot breathe as thoughts of you seep

Into my mind, I fall apart, and I know

How you’d feel to see this, I need not ask.

Ashamed, disappointed, knowing that I

Did not heed your words, did not believe

It would be ok. Because it wasn’t. And isn’t.

_______________________________________

In the Guise of You

I’m scared of what I can do

When, in the guise of you,

I speak your words, drag them through

My soul, a mirror image

Of you, of your cold hard rage

That never existed save

In my own fearful, bitter

Imagination, which stirs

Like the near dying embers

Of burning branches cut from

The tree of life, of love, some

Hateful thoughts of you, of your

Smile, a grimace, a sour

Dead, empty glance. Please, no more.

_______________________________________

Of staring at you, trying to speak, and impress.

It started with a flutter in my chest,

A clenching in my stomach, a dryness,

Turning my tongue into a useless lump,

Dry in my mouth. I try nevertheless,

To speak to you, to impress you with my

Poor attempts at humour, all my bad jokes

Seeming to find a voice at once. I try to

Fight past the nervousness that you evoke

In me, to make some kind of mark. To say

Something, anything, that will make you see

Me, make you look at me, and remember

Me. Remember I exist. Remember me.

But I see you look at me, not caring,

Of that lonely girl sitting, staring.

_________________________________________

Stay with me through the night.

I’ve never felt more comfortable than

I do, wrapped soundly in your arms. Held tight

Against the suffocating darkness. Can

You stay here and hold me through the long night?

Will you stay here and fight the ghosts and ghouls

And memories that haunt me? Stay here with me

My darling, comforting me as sleep pulls

Me to its depth and takes me through a sea

Of dreams. Will you wait through my dreams, my dear?

Will you comfort me, love me, rescue me?

Will you be there to fight away the fear?

Will you stay with me, through the long, dark night?

Say you will, my sweet, hold me as I sleep

Or I shall be alone, and I shall weep.

_____________________________________________

 

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Poems – First Year”

  1. notalltheenglishdrinktea October 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    I love stanza one; line four seems so effortlessly to capture a more quotidian cynicism and self-mocking triviality which manages to help stabilise the following stanzas.

  2. atothewr October 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    That first one is really good – I wouldn’t hide it. I’d post it.

  3. Clarabelle December 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    Hi, thank you so much for the blog following, I really do appreciate it. Clarabelle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: