Tag Archives: Poetry

Turning Twenty, Cruella Deville and Masturbating Monks?

8 Nov

Okay, okay, okay. YES I realise it’s been over 5 months since I last posted on here and I’M SORRY. Honestly?  I just abandoned it all summer and by the time Uni started back up I’d been procrastinating so long I couldn’t bring myself to *actually* write anything. And as soon as my courses started I’ve been SO BUSY that blogging about HOW BUSY I AM is the last thing on my mind. Right now though I’ve had an incredibly productive day and thought I’d keep the forward momentum going for a little bit longer (until I inevitably collapse in an exhausted heap and just read A song of Ice and Fire all night and eat some carrots…)

Right. This is, as always, ridiculously long, and so I’ve decided to throw in some photos, if I manage to put them on properly!

Well, the last thing I posted on here was actually about having passed my exams. Ye gods, I’ve really abandoned you all haven’t I?!  So much has happened and I’ve got loads to talk about (for once) but I have no idea where to start!

Uni’s been AMAZING. I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am by all of my courses! I’m taking three different classes this semester: Victorian Literature, The Bible – Literature and Culture and Buddhism. Next semester I’ll be replacing Vic Lit with ‘Pre-modern’ stuff, which I’m not looking forward to, mostly because I’ll be seriously upset at Vic Lit class being over!

For those of you who don’t know, I’m absolutely obsessed with literature from the Victorian era. The majority of my favourite authors were writing in this time which is what got me hooked but I think the more I’m delving into the literature, and the more I’m getting to know the time period, the more fascinating it is! So much change is happening and I just love the way these changes are approached so differently! AH I’m not going to go into it now because I could genuinely go on for hours!

My reading list for Vic Lit is both incredible and slightly disappointed. I had hoped that we’d be studying the Bronte sisters (the coursebook had implied it) but sadly they’re not on the list. Neither is a few others I’d been desperate to finally get my teeth into. However I think, for the most part, the texts we are studying make up for the ones we’re not! Hardy’s Jude the Obscure, Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, Wilkie Collins The Moonstone, H.G. Wells The Island of Dr Moreau, George Elliot Silas Marner, Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu Carmilla, some Robert Browning poems, a bit of Elizabeth Barrett Browning, D.G Rosetti and a few poets focussing on ‘Poetry and religious belief’ which is my absolute favourite topic for poetry and is one of my favourite parts of the course thus far! AND to top it off, my new favourite novel, replacing even Austen’s Persuasion and Bronte’s Jane Eyre *drumroll please* Gaskell’s North and South!!!!!!!! I’d actually borrowed the series adaptation of this book in sixth year and I loved it (mainly because Richard Armitage was in it and hot damn…) and so I knew I would enjoy the book. I finally finished reading it last week (staying up until four in the morning because I couldn’t put it down once I’d started!) and, as predicted, I’m obsessed. I’ve bored all of my friends to tears going on about it! AAAAH so good!!!

Anyway, my other courses are great to, for the most part. I was really excited about Buddhism and it’s been a jump from last year, which I was seriously hoping for because I ended up really bored! And there’s a lot more focus on texts than there’s been in any of the other levels I’ve studied it at, which can only be a good thing!

As much as I went into the course with high hopes, though, the last two weeks haven’t really caught my interest. Today, for example, we spent most of the time discussing masturbating monks. As interesting as I’m sure that is to some people, it just made me feel vaguely queasy. I can understand how it’s relevant (he used that text to explain the Vinaya, basically the rule book for Buddhist monks and nuns, and how it was laid out) and I do get that by using something so unusual we’re not likely to forget it in a hurry, but there are so many things about the texts that would have been more worthwhile discussing. When, in all honesty, am I likely to discuss the masturbation habits of Buddhist monks in the early 5th Century? Hopefully never, ever again.

Aside from the last two weeks or so I’ve really enjoyed it though and I’m really hoping it’s just because of the material we’re having to cover (it’s definitely dry reading and I appreciate the lecturer’s just trying to liven it up a bit). Hopefully it’ll pick up again soon!

And Bible lit and culture is okay. I’m not overly enthusiastic as yet, but I’m getting into it more and more and I am definitely enjoying it!

Okay, so yes, Uni’s great. It’s been a really big leap this year in the amount of work though. I have to admit it’s definitely overwhelming! I’m keeping on top of it just now but I’m definitely going grey with the stress of managing it all!

Aside from uni, it’s been a pretty fantastic five months! What’s happened? I’m trying to write this all down in some sort of coherent order and failing badly.

Well, this summer I’ve been doing a lot!

We went to my cousin, Amy’s, wedding. It was beautiful and Amy looked stunning. (I’m not gonna put a pic up because it’s a public blog but trust me, she was like a princess!)

My Gran!

Gran

Uncle Tom and Aunty Ann

un an

Me, Mum and Bethany 

me mum beth]

Me, Dad, Aunty Ann, Mum, Uncle Tom!

family

And I’ve had quite a few amazing days out with my friends from down the road! One that springs to mind was Riding of the Marches, which is always something to write home about, if not always for the reasons you’d hoped… It was actually really good though, most people made it, and I think everyone had a bit much to drink (it’s ROM though, who doesn’t end up drunk?!). And I ended up breaking a flipflop on the floor of The Shed (a pub in Annan) because it was so sticky. Classy.

Lauren and Lisa. This photo pretty much sums them up.

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Jess.

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Pamela. Again, I’d say this pretty much sums her up *ducks*

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Finlay (sorry you’re blue)

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Me and Jess

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EXTREME DRUNK CLOSEUP. Because I can’t judge distance after my fifth vodka okaaaaay.

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And a few weeks later a couple of my friends from down the road came up to Glasgow for Pride, which was brilliant, so busy and loud and bright and just absolutely amazing! We marched with the parade, had a delicious lunch in the centre and spent way too long looking at all the gorgeous jewellery on the stalls!

AND I gave my little sister a make-over. She’s three years younger than me, and rarely wears make up, but when she does it’s like I have a doppelgänger!

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Actually, a few of my friends were up recently for Halloween/ my birthday and my friend, Lisa’s birthday. It was an AMAZING night, we went to Polo and, yes, once again everyone ended up pretty drunk! Yes, I did dress up as Cruella Deville. And yes, I ended up abandoning the wig when we hit polo and realised we were the only ones dressed up! (luckily it was Polo we went to though, there’s always some weirdly dressed folk in that club!)

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Incase you didn’t know, Pamela’s a midget. I’m not just unusually tall. 

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And this lovely photo, after several apple sours, turned into….

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^^ THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PHOTO EVER. It’s perfect in every way.

We even caught a picture of Connor in his leisure wear, which I’m sure most of our mutual friends would love to see!

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He’s a princess, what can I say?

I especially loved Pamela staying on for an extra day and getting to hang out with her! And do stereotypically girly things like drink hot chocolate and try on clothes. 😀

But I had an amazing birthday! Highlights were my parents getting me a blender (I’ve been desperate for one since I moved back up the road and realised I couldn’t make smoothies!!) and my sister baking me a cake

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And then setting it on fire

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OOOOOH also, as you’ve probably guessed by now, I did manage to get a flat this year despite, as most of my twitter followers will have realised, my serious doubts on the matter! Actually, it’s on the adjoining street with my old flat! And it’s pretty much identical inside too, except it looks a lot nicer, cleaner brighter and costs me more money >.< *sighs*

Lately my front door’s been broken though, and so whenever I order a taxi it still has to go to Dick Street and I still get the cheek from the taxi service who thinks I’m winding them up.

What else do I have to tell you?

OH, yes, I mentioned earlier I’ve had a productive day! Well, after uni I decided to go for a walk into Partick because my student loan’s just came in and I am in desperate need of some new tops that aren’t hanging off me! So I went for a wee browse and ended up buying three full bags of clothes! They were an amazing bargain though, and I really do need them!  Then I went into the centre and decided I might as well make a start on my Christmas shopping. And start I did; by about four o’clock I was weighed down with tons of bags, having successfully BOUGHT EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO FOR CHRISTMAS, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO; PRESENTS, CARDS, WRAPPING, CRACKERS, DECORATIONS, AND THE TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS SOCKS. Yes ladies and gentlemen, you heard right, it is the 8th of November and I have already finished my Christmas shopping!!!!! Everything’s wrapped and ready to be delivered! Safe to say, I’m feeling pretty smug knowing in a month’s time you’ll all be rushing about in a panic buying your gifts while I can sit back with my feet up (nice and cosy in my new socks) and laugh at your pain. *cackles*

On top of that, I walked five miles without even noticing, which was great and made me feel less guilty about my McFlurry!

That’s another thing that I’m kinda hesitant to talk about, mostly because I don’t want to jinx it. I’ve been working out and eating green stuff. I know, I know, you’re all sitting staring at me in shock. Well, I kinda had to! I’d put on a hell of a lot of weight since starting uni, more so than ever in the last year and it was starting to mess up my health again: the fainting was coming back and stuff. It wasn’t good. So I just bit the bullet and accepted that the only way to get better was to make myself better by thinking better and being better. And it’s working! I’m a lot healthier, I’ve got so much more energy and, up until the last month I’ve been coming on in leaps and bounds! I’ve actually been eating more than I was before, but it’s been so much healthier and *GREEN*!

Unfortunately, and rather typically, I’ve managed to do myself an injury. OF COURSE I DID. I’m trying to get healthier and stronger and I MANAGE TO DAMAGE A BLOODY TENDON. I’m annoyed at myself but also just *eyerolls to infinity*. I mean, there are really no words here. Of course I did. It’s taking ages to heal, and I wasn’t allowed to do any impact exercises for three weeks (it’s been five now and it’s still buggered so I’m going to have to go to physio). It’s annoying that it’s affected me so much. I’ve been moping about it too, so haven’t been eating as healthily and the last month I’ve not really made much of an improvement on any score. Thankfully I’ve not piled on loads of weight, so I guess I’m not doing too badly but I can tell everything’s just sort of sunk since it started. My mood’s been really low too, and I know it’s because I’ve not been eating right and everything. It’s kind of scary how much it brings me down to go back to the way I was just five months ago!

I really can’t explain what a huge difference it’s made to everything since I started trying to get healthier, and I’m not going to because I know it bores everyone stupid when someone goes on about getting healthy/fitness related stuff. But yeah, just thought I’d post about it since it has become such a big part of my life now! And it’s the reason I need all the new clothes! Lost thirty pounds and three dress sizes, everything I put on looks like a bloody tent now!

Yeah, so things have been going fabulously well! I’m not doing any creative writing still, and I’m not even going to go into how messed up it all is. Another rant for another post.

Anyway, I’m going to try and keep this blog a little more up to date. At least, I promise I won’t leave it another 5 months before I post again! I’m also thinking about adding more photos on here too. And maybe, eventually, creative writing but I can’t, and won’t, make promises on that score.

Congratulations, you survived the ridiculously long blog post!!!! 😀

Also, I know the formatting on this sucks, I don’t really know how to deal with putting photos on here yet! Sorry!

**poem with explicit themes and depressing as dead kittens on a barbecue**

15 Dec

To the man who broke me

To the man who broke me

That night alone on the bridge

When you stole my innocence away

To the man who held me

Down, pinned to the cold, wet ground

And stole a part of me, the heart of me away

To the man who heard me

Beg for mercy he wouldn’t give

And lie numb to the pain of my soul being leeched away

I hope one day you feel

The clenching in your stomach

The cold shivers, the sheer terror

The flashbacks that keep you up at night

I hope one day you’ll look

Out of your window and dread

Having to face the world

I hope one day I’ll meet you

And see in your eyes all of the pain

That you’ve put me through

Multiplied until all there is left

Of your already ruined humanity

Is horror

I hope one day you’ll feel regret

And beg for forgiveness

And I hope you see me

My crippled soul

And know you’ll never have it

You’ll never have my forgiveness

Like a dying man thirsting for redemption

Redemption you won’t receive

I hope you rot and burn

In your own personal hell

And feel all the pain you’ve caused

And I hope you suffer.

Enough

20 Mar

Enough

 

In the library and they’re holding hands

Nobody can see but they are

And that’s enough.

 

A smile shared between friends

But under the surface, simmering,

There’s something more.

 

Something hidden behind those glances

Something you can’t see, or won’t see,

Locked in their eyes.

 

Everything so simple when it’s hidden.

It’s enough that it is there. Enough.

No wanting more.

My Nothing

7 Mar

 

I can think of absolutely nothing to write

The page is empty

White.

Not a damn thing comes to mind

Not a word

Not a rhyme

Not a single utterance of which

Any useful lines could find

Somewhere, something to start from.

Weary… Annoyed… Tired…

Still no thoughts come

Not a word

Not a sound

Impatient click of fingers on desk

Taunting tick of the clock

Forever teasing

Forever laughing at

What?

My Nothing.

My page after page of Nothing.

In the guise of you

8 Feb

In the guise of you  

 

I’m scared of what I can do

When, in the guise of you,

I speak your words, drag them through

My soul, a mirror image

Of you, of your cold hard rage

That never existed save

In my own fearful, bitter

Imagination, which stirs

Like the near dying embers

Of burning branches cut from

The tree of life, of love, some

Hateful thoughts of you, of your

Smile – a grimace, a sour

Dead, empty glance. Please, no more.

 

 

 

*normally I wouldn’t post this, I’m not happy with it (am I ever happy with my poems? /sigh/) but I’m just so happy to have something down on paper!!!!!! 😀

 

I Wonder

25 Jan

I wonder

I wonder if we’ll ever have the chance

To ride a rainbow, as we used to say

We’d do. I wonder if we’ll ever climb,

To the top of the world in just a day,

Or build a rocket ship and sail off to

The moon. I wonder, will we ever see

a unicorn, a fairy or an imp?

Or will we ever get the chance to be

A ballerina and an astronaut?

A Princess and a prince? Will we ever

get to swing higher than the sky? Will we

ever make a song and dance together,

And prance through a garden of leprechauns?

Skip through a shimmering ring of fairies?

Play in a pot of Gold, clasping tightly

Each other’s hands? Climb up the trees,

Fly through the air, be monkeys for a while?

Whisper our secrets of such importance?

I wonder, will we ever finish our

Dig to china through the sand? Or balance

All our hopes on a tower of cards and

Watch with delight as it all tumbles down?

I wonder, will we ever read stories

About magic frogs and forgetful clowns?

Will we ever catch ourselves a pocket

Full of posies, a tiger by the toe?

Or will we one day find ourselves alone

And wondering ‘just where did it all go?’ 


							

To cut out my heart

8 Jan

To cut out my heart

I had this odd desire

To cut out my heart

Grind it to a powder

And sprinkle it in your tea.

I wanted you to taste

This wealth of love

I’ve got growing in me

Like a butterfly in a coccoon

Or a cancer in a festering sore.

This desire grew more

And more until I

Just couldn’t stop it. I

Had to do it, make you see.

I grabbed the sharpest knife

That was to hand,

And carved, Deeper and Deeper.

At first a shallow hole, but soon

It grew. More and More and More.

I wanted to take it

Out and crush it, then

Sprinkle each little drop,

Dissolve it, you wouldn’t see.

But you would taste it,

On your tongue as

You sipped it into you,

All my love, devotion, worship.

And so I pulled, I ripped and I tore

And I dug in my fingers

Racked my nails through skin

And muscles, and as I felt

That first beating rhythm in me

I clenched hard and pulled

And in my hand

I held my heart and wondered

At its weight, its size, its nothingness.

My heart, a blood filled muscle, nothing more

Than an empty sack. How

Could this hold such depth

Of feelings, captured so?

One cut, I set them free.

Stay with me through the night. *edited.

8 Jan

Stay with me through the night.

I’ve never felt more comfortable than

I do, wrapped soundly in your arms. Held tight

Against the suffocating darkness. Can

You stay here and hold me through the long night?

Will you stay here and fight the ghosts and ghouls

And memories that haunt me? Stay here with me

My darling, comforting me as sleep pulls

Me to its depth and takes me through a sea

Of dreams. Will you wait through my dreams, my dear?

Will you comfort me, love me, rescue me?

Will you be there to fight away the fear?

Will you stay with me, through the long, dark night?

Say you will, my sweet, hold me as I sleep

Or I shall be alone, and I shall weep.


**Guys, I’m really sorry to keep bombarding you all with poems! They just keeping falling out of my brain!

I miss you.

6 Jan

I miss you.

I miss you. Three simple words I use,

Meant to capture what is in my heart.

How inadequate they seem to me,

In the face of this misery tearing me apart.

Yet, how else can I describe to you

This gaping hole pulsing in my chest,

Crushing my lungs, suffocating me,

Every time I think of you? A smothering weight pressed

On my heart from inside out. Empty,

Growing, strong enough to paralyse

The beat in my chest. How can I tell

You of the catch in my breath, each time I glimpse your eyes

In the face of a stranger? How can

I explain the quiver of my lip

As I steal traces of your smell in

Anonymous crowds? Or the painful hopes that grip

Me when I see your smile shine out from

A sea of cold faces? When I hear

Your laugh ring through the empty silence

Of my room, or the roaring noise, abusing my ears

Of faceless nobodies? How do I,

With these useless, empty words, describe

The longing, the disappointment and

Pain that I can’t even begin to contemplate, let alone scribe

In my simple pen? How do I tell

How my own imagination has

Turned against me, feeding the black hole

Crushing my heart with thoughts of you, of your face,

Your eyes, your lips, your smile, everything?

How even my own subconscious mind

Is torturing me with images

Like my deepest desires are on a loop behind

My eyes, a constant motion each time

I lay my head upon my pillow,

An assault on my senses, and as

I awake and reach for you, my hand closing through

Nothing, I feel the pressure in my

Chest get stronger, as the thought of you

Builds with no release, save desperate tears

And a lonely whisper in the darkness. I miss you.

As you pass by.

5 Jan

As you pass by.

 

I used to sit and wait for you

To pass before the glass doors and

Turn your head slightly, glancing in

Noticing at the last second.

A small smile would adorn your face

Your eyes would catch mine and hold them

Captivated. You’d turn and take

A step forward, leaving, but then

You seemed to think again and once

More, you caught my eyes. You raised your

Hand and gave a small wave, waiting

For me to return it. Of course

I’d quickly copy your action,

Raise my hand, and wave, wishing for

You to decide not to leave and

Come in here, to open the door,

Walk across to my table, sit,

Smile and chatter away, as you

Are so often wont to do. And

I knew you wouldn’t. I knew

You would turn your head away with

A small frown as you hurried off

To your room, forgetting me. Not

Sparing me a second thought.

Would it be different, if you knew,

That I had sat there for hours,

Patiently waiting for you to

Pass me by? That moment, our

fleeting glance, your smile, bringing me

More joy than anything else could.

Would it make you give me one more

Second? I like to think it would.